When men approach me I always have a series of comebacks that may or may not answer the question they asked. The response is always witty and clever and usually not a literal answer. Men that can keep up make the chopping block, others get chopped. Others get intimidated and just leave. Even better.
Jocing to me is a defense mechanism. It allows me to leave an impression that I’m leaving people with so much by giving them nothing at all but a few jokes and a good conversation.
But like what’s really the purpose??
First off everything I do has purpose. So there’s that.
(This would’ve been a good joce line, wow...my mind)
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:
EVERYBODY DOESN’T DESERVE TO GET TO KNOW ME BEYOND THE SURFACE!!!!!
Being an ambivert can be energy draining. A grand part of who I am is how I connect with others. People love me because they enjoy the experience they feel when they’re around me… and I love being able to form that connection with others through authentically being me.
But when you’re a person who is constantly “the light” in the room, it gets exhausting sharing yourself, especially to people who don’t value you... and people who want to manipulate your power.
It’s exhausting being the person that always makes others feel good when deep inside... you don’t. After many failed relationships, mental breakdowns, and epiphanies, I had to learn boundaries of which I extend myself.
(And if you haven’t realized the correlation between increase in my trolling and my relationship status. This would be a good time to notice it for statistical reasoning.)
Trolling is just a manipulative way of me being pretentious on the internet, saying things influenced by emotions I’ve suppressed or things that I’ve experienced, or even saying things that don’t associate with who I am at all and turning that into a recreational toxic release. It’s like an extreme sport or like how some guys play football because it helps them release their stress. Trolling has been that toxic detox, if you must say for me.
After spending 20 out of the 21 years of my life feeling, giving, overextending myself, and constantly having to pick myself up, I became numb and insensitive in a functioning way that I made work for me. I created a defense to stop myself from getting hurt, but also stop people from getting in.
And although many of those people were people who never deserved to, if I continue to keep this guard around myself I’ll continue to attract guarded and non-transparent individuals.
2018 was a year that required a lot of intense inner healing, self actualization, and work from me. I spent all of 2018, dedicated to ME. If It didn’t work for me, I wasn't doing it. If I didn’t feel like going, I wasn’t going. If it didn’t fit to the standards of what I wanted it was cut and I didn’t care who it inconvenienced. I spent 20 years of my life giving myself away to service others so If I need a day off, a week off, a year… I’m taking it. And throughout that journey I learned what true self love was: a balance of being selfless and selfish.
I experienced and attracted a lot of people who challenged my boundaries of who I was or who I thought I was, and within those experiences I was able to figure out what I would accept and who about to get cut off and catch these hands because they had me or whoever they THOUGHT I was beyond f****d up. But even though I didn’t understand a lot of it AT ALL, at the time these various experiences helped me to create and understand what my boundaries were.
I was so use to just knowing what to do and how to help myself, but throughout this process I learned that I don’t always have to be my own superhero. I have friends and family who I have learned to open up to and be vulnerable with to support me, but I have to be open and ask for help when I need it.
Emotional intelligence is not just being aware of your emotions, but allowing them to just be exactly what they are. The feels. When the feels come you gotta let the process run its course. You suppress em, they’ll come back in a new form. But, if you address it, allow yourself to go through the motions, and then release it til it no longer serves you, you can move on and move forward.
If I want to be transparent, I have to learn to be open... again. I’m going to have to do things that are emotionally uncomfortable for me. So this is to me, stepping out of my comfort zone and attempting to be vulnerable again.
With Love and Light,
Your Favorite Inconsistent Content Creator
Here’s a link that expands more on how ”avoidant“ behavior traits I mentioned earlier such as “trolling“ and “jocing“ operate as defense mechanisms:
https://youtu.be/z2zkUSC-Zm4
Commentaires