I box all toxic behaviors and toxic men in the same category on first exhibit. I have this program set in my mind that if he exhibits this toxic behavior like boyfriend #22, then he’s gonna react in this way to this situation in the long run like boyfriend #25.
Which it’s good to be aware of the red flags and recognize them on day 1 because we LOVE to fall in love with the idea of potential. When someone shows you who they are the first time don’t diffuse it, take notes.
When I examine myself, I too have some toxic behaviors that I’m actively healing from. But, there is difference between having something and being self aware of it, and furthermore actively working to better and heal from those qualities.
So back to the take notes part. A lot of our toxic behaviors are acquired from traumatic experiences and unhealthy programming that we have. Therefore, I say take notes because we’re all hurting from something...we all have a story, but it is OUR jobs to start that healing process. It is YOUR job as an individual to heal YOUR broken pieces.
You cannot heal someone else. They have to be willing to do the work themselves. Be aware of those who are healing and those who are just victimizers. Toxic people love to suck you in by playing victim. Don't ever let anyone guilt you to deal with their unacceptable behaviors using the "I'm like this because of my trauma" following the "that's just how I am" excuse. That's basically someone using their past as an excuse to stay stagnant. NOPE, red flag. I'm not anyone's rehabilitation center.
So with knowing this information, my personal advice to my people in the dating scene would be to: “Never commit to someone while you’re in your healing process, you will outgrow them". Two broken people don’t make a whole. I’ve tried it. It might feel good for the temporary moment but it doesn’t work unless the two are both actively working towards that healing.
But, my advice isn’t valid because growth and healing isn’t linear. Therefore, what may work for me may not work for you. But, I will say that certain people are placed in our lives to mirror the lessons we need and go, and others are built for longevity.
Maybe that relationship, situationship, or friendship was never meant to “work”, but to push you to evolve into the person you were meant to be. Every relationship you encounter in someway is a reflection of yourself. Now somethings people do are BEYOND you, but we teach people how to treat us through the boundaries we set, what we will allow...and what we absolutely won’t.
When we respect those boundaries we are appreciating our existence and exhibiting self love, and the relationships around us have NO OTHER choice but to follow, and the ones that don't can gladly get removed. But initially, what you put out you’ll get back.
Now in hindsight, this SOUNDS hella easy to do and I want you to know it is not. As you experience these different L’s, mishaps, and breakups, you start to gain the tools to get you to this point. But it takes those experiences and lessons to shape you to where you need and want to be. So all in all, be gentle with yourself and trust the process. Do what makes you happy in the present moment, because "now" is all we are certain to have.
with love and light,
Your Favorite Inconsistent Content Creator.
Here's some links of what are toxic/abusive traits to be aware of, what is a healthy relationship, and more:
10 Signs You're Being Manipulated
https://youtu.be/kZRXoa8xqw8
10 Types of Emotional Manipulation
https://youtu.be/j5AOp93S1F4
7 Early Signs of A Toxic Relationship
https://youtu.be/HDNMvuQrcGk
12 Signs You're in a Healthy Relationship
https://youtu.be/kCQIDvEnrTg
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