“It works for me, it works for me” has been my motto since the beginning of time. But is it working for you, or is it a distraction from what you’re working towards?
Chile, let’s get into this tea.
This birthday is probably one of the first in a while where the love just resonated, besides my 21st chile (cause iykyk).
(Circa 2018, boy, we had a timeeeeee.)
But, I finally feel like I’m opening myself up, letting others pour into me, investing, and trusting in myself.
Having to build myself back up from nothing after my psychosis really shifted the lens I view myself through. It is through God's grace for me, that has allowed me to give grace to myself. It's something about God taking you through an impossible situation and showing favor over your life, that shows you the importance of who you are in his kingdom.
But sometimes, I still question what the BLEEP am I doing?
I’ve been feeling like I’ve been disappointing God in my walk with him because I don’t feel my walk matches the image of society’s expectations. I feel like the calling that God has been revealing I am not sure if I’m stewarding correctly because my path and who I am currently isn’t aligned to the depiction of this “Christian” I’m supposed to be or what society tells you that you should be.
I’ve been trying to edify my ways based on the convictions of others, and I feel like everyone’s opinion of how it should look like walking with Christ, is making me question my relationship with him.
This wilderness season, when it comes to dying to my flesh and carrying my cross, I’ll admit I’ve been struggling. I believe pastor Mike Todd or pastor Jerry Flowers said in a sermon that the higher the level the more opportunities or options become available. Not all opportunities are from God, some are distractions from the enemy trying to delay you from the blessing. This is why discernment is important.
I’ve been running into a lot of romantic partners or people romantically interested in me with good hearts but maybe not the same intentions or best intentions for me that I need in this season. And honestly, I haven't been doing the best setting boundaries with those people. When you’re fractured sometimes you compromise for comfort. It's hard for me to set those boundaries because I don’t want to sever the connection but I guess that comes from abandonment issues. But also, I don’t think I trust my ability to soothe myself or sit in discomfort.
This current season is calling me to steward all the lessons I’ve learned and trust that I can make decisions that stand on my boundaries while practicing and knowing that I deserve and am capable of having healthy relationships, opportunities, and environments.
Not all people are a reflection of you but some are tests to see if you learned your lesson.
It’s definitely uncomfortable when you’ve outgrown your comforts because the ways, people, and versions of yourself you’ve known in past seasons can’t come with you in the new one.
Learning how to sit in discomfort is such a necessary practice because there is no progression without suffering. Growing into newness and adjusting is not easy. It requires you to let go and sit with the grief that comes with change---The feelings of inadequacy, feeling like you’re not equipped, the feeling of being lost, and loneliness.
It’s hard to let go when your old comforts are always readily available to you, but I’m learning to give myself grace when I slip. I’m praying for God to change my heart so my desires match the will that he has for my life. I’m praying for discipline.
Choosing yourself is hard. I have to parent little me and deny her of things in the present because there’s a future version of her that deserves the love and desires that she was denied in the past.
Which means denying her of past comforts and believing there is a future where what she desires is tangible and can exist
The Bible says that God is near to the brokenhearted.
So although I’ve been falling short in that area, I’m still showing up and starting over again. I’m still writing daily, studying his word, and building a connection with him because I just want to be in relationship with him.
“Somewhere between psychotic and iconic” and “somewhere between I want it and I got it” was the realest thing a fake negro ever said.
I have to remind myself that this is a walk therefore it takes a step at a time and all I can do is my best or better than the next time. I feel like I'm used to seeing instant results because I’m a fast learner that struggling when it comes to learning to love myself makes me feel like a failure. I need that reassurance that I’m doing okay. This is why I'm starting to celebrate myself by making a certificate anytime I accomplish something that I feel is important, and by the looks of it I really challenged myself to “try anyway” this season.
When you go out on faith and invest in yourself, God will do the rest, but you have to show him that you trust him to fulfill his promises.
For the past few months, I had been looking for a new church and I wanted to expand my creative community. These were things that I had not only been praying about for the past year but received confirmation in my dreams that I needed for the upcoming season.
After, already making plans to go out of my comfort zone for an Creatives Meet-Up event, I was scrolling on Facebook at 2 am Sunday night I found this post:
I decided despite my anxiety, that I was going to show up and be willing to receive.
I now have a loving church home and a community of creative friends.
This past weekend I even traveled to #GrindPretty (a networking event for women entrepreneurs) solo and soft-launched my t-shirt brand ANTISOULCIAL.
Surely when you start moving, God starts shifting. The same week, I received an offer to do reels for the festival and was accepted into an intensive and highly competitive branding program. Not to mention, I was even posted for having a "star" application. 🤩
There's a difference between preparation and perfectionism
I’m learning that there’s no such thing as being “ready”. There may be moments where you feel more equipped but the opportunities that are for us, are not waiting for us to be ready but for us to be willing. Sometimes the breakthrough you’re looking for is simply waiting for you to show up.
I had psyched myself out of so many opportunities waiting for the "perfect moment". Although the times I retreated and took the time to prepare I was right, I was also procrastinating out of fear of failure.
You're not going to be ready because the experience you are looking for is in the lesson you keep avoiding.
A lot of times we don’t go forth with things out of perfectionism and the fear of the unknown, thinking of ourselves as insufficient from the perspective of, "What do I have to offer?". Instead, shift to the mindset of "What can I learn from this?" and "Who could be in the room waiting to receive the gifts God has granted me?".
Be willing to be a student and a steward. Sometimes it's not about what we can receive but what we can give.
Procrastination delays the purpose and the promise. Someone is looking for the gifts and version of you that exists right now. I hope this blog gives you the confirmation you've been looking for to step into your power.
With love, transcending into light,
That Soulciologist. 💞
Sermons: Yes and next: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85uWNWXZlN0
Staying in a Child's Place: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VmEwRcyhsM
Prayer for Discernment, Growth, and Grace:
Heavenly Father,
I come before You with a humble heart, acknowledging the struggles and challenges I face in this season of my life. I ask for Your divine wisdom and discernment as I navigate the opportunities and distractions that come my way. Help me to see clearly what is from You and what is meant to lead me astray. Strengthen my resolve to set boundaries that protect my heart and soul, even when it feels difficult or uncomfortable.
Lord, I confess my weakness in seeking comfort in places that do not align with Your will for me. I ask for the strength to sit with discomfort, trusting that it is part of the process of growth and transformation. Help me to let go of the old and embrace the new, even when it comes with feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, and grief. Teach me to find solace in You, knowing that true comfort and peace come from Your presence.
Father, I ask for Your grace when I fall short. Remind me that I am not defined by my failures but by my persistence in seeking You and striving to do better. Thank You for being near to the brokenhearted and for the reassurance that You are with me every step of the way. Help me to celebrate my small victories and to see myself through Your loving eyes, as someone worthy of love and grace.
As I step out in faith, investing in myself and the path You have laid before me, I pray that You continue to guide my steps. Lead me to the community, opportunities, and experiences that will help me grow and fulfill Your purpose for my life. May I always trust in Your promises, knowing that You are faithful to complete the work You have begun in me.
In Jesus' name, I pray,
Amen.
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