We’ve all known or been the “Fun Girl”. The girl who’s always being seen, but never being seen as enough. The girl who's always so "charming" and the light of the room, and also the same girl taking off her lashes at the end of the night going home and feeling empty inside. Is the fun girl really fun or is she running from something?
2019 made it loud and clear I had been running from myself for years. Running from my potential, running from my childhood, constantly looking for uniqueness, fulfillment, intensity, and a reason to feel and connect outside of myself.
I was tired of being too much, yet not enough. I was tired of feeling alone, being alone, figuring this shit out alone. I was tired. Period. I felt like the weight of the world was on me and nobody could see me drowning, and if they could see me drowning it was like trying to get cpr from a lifeguard that is only specialized in first aid—-useful, but in the circumstance not needed.
Even though, I wouldn’t have made it through this past year without the help of my friends and support system, the help I received was like bandaid fixes because the root of the problem was deeper than the surface level.
While we’re in this new decade and spirit of moving forward, I can't help but to look back on 2019 [hell the whole 2010s] and think "wtf was that"? Looking back, the entirety of 2019 felt like a dream. It became a song of “well, I survived the last one so I’ll make it through this” and in a matter of months, I went from living my best life to deep in my biggest depression. Although, I’ve healed and released so many fears, shadows and molted the skin of the girl I used to be, as I’m in a lighter stage of my life and I reflect, pieces of her skeletons still hide in my closet reminding me that I still have wounds to heal from, emotional ties and connections to release— that I still have mistakes to forgive myself for, that I'm still learning to be self-compassionate, that I’m still trying to release the shame, guilt, anger and all the emotions from the things I accepted because I didn’t think I was “enough”. After a long year of fighting, I realized that the war is still not over. The real work had just begun.
When the clock hit 12 and the year changed to 2020 I didn’t feel happy, I didn’t feel sad. I felt this solemn bliss that I survived. That I made it through another year. But I'm tired of surviving, I want to live. I had been making it through for 22 years, resiliently pushing through to the next destination, that I didn’t realize this mindset of pushing through and my idea of strength was the fault of my demise.
Now reaching the end of my collegiate career, not knowing what's next after years of constant planning and always knowing my next destination, I find my self held captive in this void of the present and the vast unknown. I realized that I never truly was present. I would just hop from a bad phase and move to the next with an awareness of what happened but not a complete releasing of my emotions towards it. I may have been healing, I may have been learning, but I wasn't releasing... I was just moving on to the next destination, and that way of coping and surviving definitely caught up to me.
Being stuck in what feels like purgatory, I'm starting to learn to appreciate where I'm at just as much as where I'm going.
I had this security blanket of school around me, always having something to look forward to, always knowing what my next challenges were because well...everything was in the syllabus to now having to transition to the real world where the only constant is bills and distress.
For everybody who's stuck in between who they were and who they want to be. Repeat after me:
You don’t just move on to the next phase, you grow into it.
The past four years, hell all my life, I have always been chasing what's next--- using busyness as a coping mechanism for this fulfillment that I don't even know that I'm searching for. I'm constantly in my own way because I'm always searching for the next moment. I'm holding myself back from my fullest potential because I'm always looking for the perfect moment, the perfect project, or this perfect idea of what I (and if I could emphasize this more I would) thought my life should be.
I felt like I was always chasing the next accomplishment, dying in a class and then pulling through the end, and for a while the thrill of striving was enough--- but nearing the end of my college career I'm like so what did you learn? what did you gain?
Like you had a great experience, this leadership is cool, this resume is nice. But as a brand, as a creative, as a person are you where you need to be? How's your discipline? Like okay so you proved that you could do enough to pass this class, but you still have this habit of procrastinating...ok.
I felt like my whole life I been striving for grades, a degree, organizations, but what have I successfully completed and accomplished for myself?
Okay, I passed these classes, I did all this striving and now what? Where's the reward?
It's hard celebrating yourself after working towards something for years and being further than you were when you started, but still not where you imagined, deserve, or want to be.
These were a few watered down versions of the self-sabotaging thoughts I had, but very valid emotions.
College, in my experience, was like high school extended. It was the place where I was able to create the foundation for the person I knew I could always be, learn myself without the limits of my parents and expectations of others, define and navigate through my mini version of "adulthood" and that I did.
I had this idea that by the end of my journey I'd be this master at "adulting" with the job, focus, and determination I needed. Instead. I'm constantly feeling like I'm not doing enough and that I'm constantly running out of time, especially with all these sudden deaths happening.
*breathe and read this again til it resonate*
Stop putting a deadline on God's timing for you, and appreciate where you are now.
I don't know who needs to hear this but I know I do---YOU ARE EXACTLY WHERE YOU NEED TO BE. YOU ARE EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE. YOU ARE EXACTLY WHERE GOD WANTS YOU TO BE.
My three biggest challenges have been my perfectionism, expectations, and myself.
If you were meant to be in the Lexus, you'd be there. Sometimes we have be real with ourselves and ask are we even ready to receive the things we long for? Of course you deserve to have whatever you are trying to manifest, but have you put yourself in the place to receive? When you feel like things are quiet, that's when God is working behind the scenes for you to harvest your blessing, but we have to make room for God to do the work...and WE have to do the work as well---externally and internally.
Are you still holding on to resentment from a parental relationship where you felt like you were never enough? Are you constantly trying to prove yourself because of it?Are you constantly accepting less than you deserve? Do you need to work on setting boundaries? Are constantly skipping out on your responsibilities?
Whatever it is, evaluate yourself, your blockages, get deep and be real about why you are at where you are at now. But, most importantly have self-compassion. You are doing the best you can with what you have, and if you aren't... make the changes, take some time to realign, and do the work. We are all learning. Nobody has their sh*t 100% together that's an illusion created by social media.
I'm in between who I was, who I am, and the person I want to be, and trying to fill this void in between. The reality is there's not going to be a shortcut to the person. Nothing but hard-work, strategy, prayer, self-compassion, and self-accountability. I may have been able to scam with these classes, but there is no scamming reality.
Sometimes you got to move out your own way. Like they say "You'll change when you get tired of your own shit", and I'm outdone. Life is hard enough. Appreciate where you are now, and do what you need in this season so you can rejoice in the seasons to come.
Ask for the help that you need. Schedule that counseling appointment. What ever it is that you need in this present state of your existence do it now... your future self depends on it. There's a reason God has you in this season.
So here's to enjoying the marathon. I'll be including affirmations and other resources at the bottom so feel free to check those out.
With Love and Light,
Your Favorite *insert adjective here* Content Creator
Resources:
Healing Your Inner Child: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXRxwzcUORs
Youtube: Learning to accept your journey and navigating through your 20s: https://youtu.be/XJ2JE4rlmPs
One of my favorite Youtubers made a 2 year update that is so close to the message of this blog and was very inspirational to watch: https://youtu.be/BQNzXtWlwEU
Trusting your own journey as a creative:
Affirm:
“I forgive myself for carrying the burden of my past wounds. I fully own my story and step into my power. I accept my desires, my fears, and every part of me with loving grace. I look my pain in the face and know that this too shall pass. I manifest everything I desire with ease. "
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